Are You a Busy and Stressed Woman ....

Personal Boundaries and Holiday Stress

[The following situation is real. Certain details have been changed to protect clients' anonymity.]

The holidays were especially trying times for Rebecca, a mother of two teens. Consequently she tended to procrastinate with holiday preparations as long as possible. She felt the holiday season "should" be enjoyed, however, scheduling the holiday family photo shoot, decorating the house, sending greeting cards, purchasing and wrapping gifts felt overwhelming.

Consequently, in following up on this belief, Rebecca felt obligated to do it all perfectly in order to assure a good time for her immediate family and relatives. Holiday stress increased with relatives' criticisms and demands.

Rebecca's Coaching Insights:

• "I have choices and don't need to do everything myself. I need to delegate more!"
• "I don't need to let relatives influence me so much. I can't live my life trying to please others."
• "I feel attacked when relatives ask, why I did this or that. Too often I give my power away by explaining my choices."
  

Comment:

Rebecca was able to begin holiday preparations earlier and to relieve related stress. She insisted that her children help out with holiday preparations. She began to stand up for herself by weeding out the individuals on her holiday list to whom she felt obligated to send a gift.

By acknowledging relatives' concerns, Rebecca defused their criticisms without having to justify her choices. The holidays began to be fun for the first time in years. She continued to work on firming up her personal boundaries by being clear about what was unacceptable behavior to her. Just as important, she realized nothing about her holiday had to be "perfect".

Fulfillment Beyond Smoking?

[The following situation is real. Client's name used with permission.]

Kelly, 43 yrs old, related that she had stopped smoking cigarettes [nicotine patch & smoking cessation program] but then started again because it helped to take her mind off problems. She knew smoking was bad for her lungs and overall health, and she simply couldn't afford the price of cigarettes.

Kelly explored insights to gain a deeper understanding of her smoking habit: To hit the "pause button" before lighting up. She wondered about a question she could ask herself. She came up with, "Do I really want this cigarette right now?" "What is it I actually need?" Kelly committed to asking that question every time she reached for a cigarette during the coming week. She ranked herself as an "8" on a 1-10 certainty scale for commitment to follow-through.

Coaching Insights:

A week later Kelly saw that smoking was an escape, a way to get "full" emotionally. We explored what that meant. She realized she hadn't taken time for herself lately. In thinking of possible ways she could "fill up" without smoking, Kelly recalled that she loved to sketch. She decided to spend more time drawing and painting a couple of times a week.

Comment:

The immediate issue Kelly chose was smoking cessation, and it was important that she was open to viewing that issue in a new way. Instead of advising her to "stop smoking" to avoid damaging her health (a fear-based inducement) I encouraged her to explore underlying thoughts and feelings which enabled her to interrupt a habitual stress response.

Kelly's unique insights lay the foundation for self-motivated change. Feeling the glow of success, Kelly continued to counter the impulse to smoke by exploring and identifying other unmet needs.

Women sometimes engage in self-destructive behavior to mask unpleasant emotions or situations. Unquestionably, smoking as a habit poses a profoundly important health issue, however it is the result of an interplay of multiple factors. As demonstrated in this example, coaching can help individuals discover or rediscover a life passion. The spin off? Counter an unhealthy habit, and feel strong and victorious!

Self-Care to Live Your Best Life

[The following situation is real. Certain details have been changed to protect clients' anonymity.]

Trisha was unhappy. It was increasingly harder to recover her usual bouncy, happy self. When confronted by challenges - ranging from missing a project deadline to discovering her teenage son had put the empty ketchup bottle back in the fridge - challenges she had readily managed earlier - she often spiraled down with a flurry of negative thoughts feeling guilty and frustrated. Big or little disruptions to her daily routine left her pressured and drained.

Trisha tried to breakout of unhappiness with regular physical exercise. To move forward, she was willing to identify situations that seemed to trigger unhappiness. A pattern emerged that work was holding her back from living the life she wanted, and getting bogged down with non-essential tasks drained her energy. She wanted a recharge.

Coaching Insights:

When she reflected on her coaching experience, Trisha came up with these insights: 

• Resented tasks she did not choose. 

• Needed to listen to her feelings, instead of papering them over with "why me" questions. She discovered her unhappiness was related to latent anger.

• Needed time for solitude and reflection. She understood that this form of self-care could be uplifting and was not selfish.

Comment:

Trisha had taken important steps prior to coaching. She realized that she was becoming increasingly unhappy, and consequently had taken action to counter it with regular physical exercise. But this wasn't enough. She committed to listening to feelings as they arose. She began to catch negative thoughts and counter them before spiraling downwards. At work she negotiated with her supervisor to have more flexibility for assignments. With a more positive outlook Trisha renewed her self-confidence. As an unexpected benefit of her renewed self-care, she was able to be her best for her family as well as coworkers.